Marsha, Marsha Marsha! Dealing with the Middle Child Syndrome
Do you remember this clip?
Is there such a thing as “middle child syndrome”? Ask Jan from the Brady Bunch and you will probably get an ear-full. Middle children can often get lost in the sibling shuffle and can wind up feeling disconnected from other family members.
In our family, my older brother (otherwise known as “Golden Boy”) was the star. Yours truly was the youngest (still to this day referred to as “The Baby”) and my sister was the middle child. She was often the target of sibling rivalry and had a difficult time competing for attention. To this day, my sister still feels a bit short-shifted because of her birth order.
The good news is, as an adult, my sister has benefited from her early childhood positioning. She is diplomatic and assertive and very successful. I interviewed her for this article. Lucky for me she is not only the middle child, she is also a psychologist and was willing to trade babysitting to participate in this interview. I asked her if she felt short-changed by her birth order. Her response…
“Generally speaking no. However, I do think that middle children are expected to fin for themselves a little bit more. Mom sometimes says that she could leave me in a room and I could entertain myself for hours. But bottom line, she was preoccupied with chasing our older brother and taking care of you. I don’t regret my sibling order. In fact, in some ways, it made me more independent.”
My next question related to working with clients in her private practice. “Do you think birth order impacts a child’s personality?”
“I have found that birth order interacts with temperament. The temperament of the child will determine what kind of impact birth order will have. Children who are confident and secure will use their birth order to their advantage in their adult life.” (I was pretty impressed with her answers. Not only does she have a thriving private practice, I happen to know that she can pick towels off the floor with her toes.)
Her advice is consistent with other steps that parents can take to make sure a child feels secure sandwiched in the middle of a two attention-grabbing siblings.
1.Give Attention
It’s that basic. Provide individual attention to your middle child. This includes making special time alone with her. My oldest son loves to use my calendar to mark special time together. I try to have lunch with him at school and he gets a kick writing his menu choices on my schedule.
2.Celebrate Differences
The oldest gets straight “A’s”, so why can‘t your middle child follow suit? And even though the youngest chews on books rather than reads them, your middle child doesn’t have the cute factor to fall back on. This can be a breeding ground of insecurity and inferiority. Middle children are searching for their own identity and need your help in developing their individuality. My sister also agrees and encourages parents to “celebrate your kids’ differences and encourage them to find their own niche.”
3.Open Discussions
My sister use to stomp and slam doors as a way of communicating her feelings. She rarely was given the opportunity to express herself. Parents can do a world of good by simply acknowledging the difficulties associated with having siblings. “It’s hard having to share with baby brother” or “It’s frustrating when older sister can spend the night and you can’t.” This type of recognition of her frustration will go a long way in making her feel supported and loved.
4.Individual Photos
With your first born, you never left home without the camera. When the second arrived, the newness had worn off and besides, it was too complicated trying to capture memories when you’re chasing two kids around. However, when Number 3 enters, you can’t wait to dust off the video camera to capture all of the cute, delightful things baby does. Not Fair! One of the best ways to show your kids how much you love them is by sitting down and looking at baby pictures or watching home movies. From your child’s perspective, the time you took to capture these memories will be translated as love.
I must confess that my favorite Brady was Marcia – although I was a little partial to Cindy (I loved her blond curly pigtails). Jan was whiney and annoying. However, now looking back, I sympathize with her and have to agree when she says:
“But why does Marcia get all the socks? Why does Marcia get all the trophies? Why does Marcia get all the good drawers? Yeah, why does Marcia get everything? Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112572/quotes
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